Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Bhaji and IPL

The Maharashtra State Bhajipala Samiti was a special invitee to the IPL Auctions 2010 , today.

Reports indicate that the Agriculture Minister who is also associated with the IPL most of the time, wanted the Bhajipala folks to learn how to buy the produce from the farmers. And learn all about AUCTIONS.

Gangubai Kadam, long time seller of leafy vegetables,tucked in her paloo, and had a question for Shilpa Shetty about when was the last time she had gone to buy vegetables.

Babanrao Dhole, all the way from Nasik, questioned the need to SELL cricketers, by announcing their rates louder than the Tur dal rates currently showing. He understood that a company called Reliance was now in the bhaji business but was sorry to note that they didn't have a clue about french beans.

They observed a man in stage, holding the microphone, standing like a headmaster , announcing things to several well dressed Bhaus and Mavshees, with a hammer in his hand, and Sulochana, the most observant of the Samiti, decided that there was nothing else for the headmaster to do, if the people at the tables continued to eat and drink all the time, not paying attention when prices were being announced.

Kamlabai , the oldest of the lot, noticed the buyers eating all kinds of sugary stuff , and drinking , what she thought was some alcoholic drink, that Ganpat said, was using something called ethanol , available from sugar factories.

Reliable sources indicate, that the aforementioned Gangubai, asked the Minsiter point blank at what rate he bought the sugar being used. He didnt have an answer because he got it almost free.

After about 15 minutes, the gathered press noticed the Bhajipala Smiti emerging outside. The auction inside, buying and selling cricketers, was still on.

CMM-IBM interviewed Gangubai, who gave them a looking over, and is reported to have said :

" Two many zeros inside. Some have 4, some have 5. After 1.

We are different.

In our lives, thanks to the Agriculture Minister, there is only one zero. By itself."

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Billboard Mania

The National Highyways Authority of India (NHAI) has announced that it will be putting up huge billboards of Sonia Gandhi and Dr Manmohan Singh, the PM, all across its highways, and we will be seeing them every 25 kilometres.

Somewhere below the massive visual will be displayed information of the road projects, relevant to that area. The Times of India mentions that each billboard would cost of 10 lakhs, and the Economic times, taking a more economical view, puts the cost at 4 lakhs.

Changunabai, who stays along the Mumbai Nasik highway, wanted to know if they would be installing a tap (with flowing water) just below the billboards. She and her daughters currently daily cover distances up to 3-5 kilometres to fill water for their daily use. Her neighbor, Kausalya is often out trying to collect firewood as fuel, and must travel further and further due to massive removal of forests , for road construction purposes.

Kisanrao Jadhav, the leading farmer urges that the unless the people whose photos grace the billboard come to inaugurate these billboards, nothing will improve in the area. That way, water , electricity connections , and safer local smaller roads will be built on priority basis.

The government, is seized of this matter, and has appointed a committee , which has recommended, that a separate ministry for inaugurations be created, with the minister of Cabinet Rank. It has also been suggested that the Ministers take turns appearing on billboards, so as to save Mrs Gandhi and the PM from continuously travelling for weeks together just to inaugurate Bill Boards.

Studies are on to figure out which minister portraits would distract motorists. However, a recent poll indicates that motorists were only distracted by the likes of Aishwarya Rai and Kareena Kapur.

In the meanwhile, unconfirmed reports indicate that there is a nexus between billboard manufacturers and senior officials of the NHAI.

Now, 1500 billboards are being put up with photos in UP, Uttarakhand, Bihar, Jharkhand, Rajasthan, Gujarat, Haryana, Tamil Nadu, Pondicherry, Andhra Pradesh, Maharashtra, Goa, Delhi, MP, Chhatisgarh, West Bengal, Orissa, Karnataka, Kerala, Punjab, J&K, Himachal, Assam and other NE states.

Unconfirmed rumors indicate that Changunabai, Kausalyabai and Kisanrao are being urged to join the BJP, but have refused.

Further news is awaited.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Tandoori Foggy Escapes

In 2000, 3 Pakistani terrorists out of a module of 8 were arrested with huge quantities of explosives at Red Fort. Apparently they finished serving their jail term in Oct 2009.

Instead of sending them in handcuffs and a military truck to cross over to the Wagah border, they were taken by Delhi Police to an eye hospital for a check up. A lone policeman on deputation from Meghalaya Police accompanied them.

Turns out that they cajoled the policeman into having one last farewell lunch at one of the eateries near Jama Masjid, in Old Delhi. Of course , careful planning had them choose the worst foggy day of the year. Since Planes and Trains were delayed , running was considered an ideal mode of escape.

The three terrorists are supposed to have lulled the policeman into complacency by praising the tandoori delicacies, and offering him more and more morsels. The policeman, naturally went to relive himself awhile later, at which point, the three terrorists did high fives, and vamoosed from the scene of the lunch.

Questions are being asked by Opposition parties on whether the choice of the worst Foggy Day is a coincidence. The Delhi police is blaming the Fog for the escape. The meteorological department is cooperating by blaming it all on a Western disturbance over Pakistan.

The location of their eating place near the cycle market is being considered relevant, and cycle shops are being questioned on whether 3 guys wiping their hands on their trousers came to hire cycles simultaneously.

A reward of Rs 50,000 has been announced by a miffed Home Ministry for the information leading to the capture of the three terrorists.

Reliable reports indicate that as per rules 3 constables and a sub inspector should have been escorting the terrorists for a medical checkup. While there is no explanation as to why a lone Megahalaya police tandoori loving constable was allocated the task, it is widely believed that most of the police force is employed to give all kinds of X,Y and Z plus security to the nations leaders.

Two old ladies in Old Delhi, were loudly heard discussing why portly ministers, who were not supposed to be crooks, needed so many policemen to protect them. And why were terrorists getting priority eye treatment , when they themselves were on a waiting list for a free cataract operation at 70.

And what was the pay of a constable in Delhi, on deputation from another state. And what stopped the country's home ministry fro simply transporting the terrorists to the Pakistan border the day their jail term ended.

And finally, why did they get such a short jail term ? 8 years ? For trying to blow up Red fort ? Was Abha Rathore possibly representing them ? And did they all smile as they escaped ?

Details are awaited.