Thursday, March 18, 2010

Sab Kuch Maya !

The nation has been in an uproar ever since a certain CM of a certain northern state, stood at the centre of a garland made out of thousands of 1000 Re notes.

While the rank and file of her party, overcome with love and affection, rushed to offer these very minor denomination currency notes, folks garlanding her on stage were warned to be careful of the CM's cervical vertebrae. Known to be a person with a tough backbone, there are, however , issues today with the neck, as a result of constant neck alignments in the process of offering political support to the left and right.

Our sources indicate that representatives of the Nike company were in raptures after noticing that her currency garland photos displayed, although inadvertently, their logo. A couple of Nike big shots fainted in surprise, after they offered free shoes to primary school children, and the CM, promptly agreed, saying Lets Do It. (Unfortunately, they didn't hear the latter part of the sentence, urging them to create currency notes studded footwear, for special use )

Unconfirmed reports indicate that some well known ghost writers have been contacted by a certain CM to write a semi official autobiography called "Meri Maya, Sab Maya Hai".

While garland makers are now being subsidized for setting up garland making Institutes, we understand that a special licence will be needed for making currency garlands, which will be 10% of the currency value of the garland. The state has appointed a committee to investigate the possibility of making garlands from , footwear, BT cotton, and BT brinjal, which might be exported to someone called Monsanto.

In the meanwhile, designers , particularly from Delhi, at the Fashion Week currently being held, are now showing high fashion currency garments. Celebrity people , particularly from Parliament were contacted for walking the ramp, but they refused because none of the outfits had any deep pockets.

Mamata Banerjee, was reported to have agreed to model a saree, provided there was not even a speck of Red in it, but the deal fell through after rumors indicated the possibility of elections in West Bengal. Designers studying her gait actually breathed in relief after realizing that some of the currency would have fallen off , in the hustle and bustle of Mamata-style agitational politics.

A Certain Minister with 7 daughters, in an inspired patriotic move , offered all of them for modeling the outfits, gratis. Unfortunately, the designers had to decline the offer after they insisted on changing at home.

Our sources indicate that the Centre has appointed a high power committee to investigate the correlation between love-and-affection, and currency, and its application to electoral alliances and politics.

Finally, seizing the moment, the respected Elder no 1 of Bollywood, announced a new film starring a new entrant, Amar Singh. The film, titled, "Kabhi Haar, Kabhi Paise" is expected to begin shooting in 2011. In a move, reminiscent of "detente" , efforts are on to convince Ms Mayawati to play the female lead.

Details awaited.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

E-potholes for your car ?

A company called MapmyIndia is has announced its entry into the GPS Navigation Industry with their latest : Roadpilot, designed to help you move around various towns and cities in India. You dont need cell phone connectivity for it, and they say that it contains an extensive database pre-loaded with maps of 620 Indian cities; 576,000 towns and villages; 30,000 tourist locations; and 2 million unique destinations, like ATMs, Petrol Pumps, Restaurants and everything that you need to know in a city. The navigator is priced at Rs 7,990.

In the meanwhile, it is reported that trials are on by a sister company called MapmyPothole , to have a ready installable Navigator, priced at Rs 8000/-, that will warn you about potholes on roads, their frequency per kilometre, and percentage of them that are filled with water of unknown depths. The company has announced memorandums of understanding (MoU's) with the Municipal Contractors Union, MTNL,BSNL and Reliance Energy as well as Reliance Telecom.

Our sources indicate that a tie up with the Mumbai Police was cancelled at the last minute, after the Director of Mapmypothole was found related to some suspicious types in Dubai.

Speaking to the press, the company's technical director, Delco Me Pani, stressed the need for mapping potholes and supplying real time depth info as opposed to what he called elitist Page 3 data like ATM's , Banks, Petrol Pumps, Hotels and so on.

The entire exercise involves fitting Mumbai's roads with detectors every 500 metres, which would emit signals and map themselves on a screen for the driver. There would also be an audio feature which would warn the driver in 26 languages about an impending pothole at least 2 minutes in advance. The MNS and Shivsena have protested and insisted that there should be 5 announcements in Marathi in these 26 announcements.

These requirements are a challenge as there are often 3 potholes in 15 seconds in Mumbai.

Notwithstanding the Dubious Dubai connections, a grand demonstration of the contraption was held two days ago, in view of the fact that the Mumbai Police would order them to be fixed on their jeeps, and the ministerial red-beacon cars.

Unfortunately, several potholes earlier so classified got filled along with the detectors, in view of the impending visit of the PM, there was no pothole warning, and a speeding car ended up banging into a Caterpillar excavator which was excavating for a new road.

Efforts are on to dig up the filled potholes again in order to retrieve and reinstall the detectors, some of which have been completely destroyed by road rollers crushing them to pieces.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that those involved in sudden surreptious movement of manhole covers for their commercial metal value, have asked for a feasibility study regarding the movement of the aforementioned metal detectors.

Further news is awaited.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Learning from "elders" ?

The passage of the 33% Womens Reservation Bill in Parliament was frought with hooligansim of the worst kind, by our legislators.

March 8, was International Women's Day. Our worthy representatives in the Parliament, tried their level best to pass the Women's Reservation Bill on that day, but their levels were found so wanting that the best didn't happen.

Instead, a bunch of kids from National High School, paid minute attention to the indisciplined going ons in Parliament, and accused their Civics teacher of misleading them about Netas .

Instead of quietly sitting and ruminating about all the year round homework bunking that made them fail, the kids rushed to the teachers desk, to protest. Several kids threw balls of paper torn from their textbooks at the teacher, some threw paper airplanes made out of the result sheets, and one kid even opened his lunch box and threw rice at the teacher. An effort was made to grab the teacher's books kept on the desk, and some fell to the floor.

All because she announced that only those declared as Pass, would get promoted to the higher class.

Reports indicate that the main instigators of the revolt are a few students whose ambitions to be head-boy were thwarted in the democratic procedure followed by the School Council, despite their efforts to woo the teachers by bringing them huge bouquets on their birthdays, and Teachers days, not to mention crying false tears during farewells and stuff.

The school has security, but fears confrontation if the students are touched. So the Principal has declared a holiday, till the violence subsides. Parents who are at their wits end , what with increase in fees, difficulties in admission, delays in results and cheating in exams, have threatened to complain to the minister for education.

"No class management at the most basic level", said an irate parent, "this has happened so many times, the principal should have been alert about such things. "

The Minister for education, currently busy with BT-brinjal discussions , is reported to have given an appointment in 2011.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Judiciary Landmarks

The Supreme Court Of India has upheld the 1989 sacking of a railway constable found glued to his radio during duty hours.

Babu was appointed as a constable in the RPF at Vijaywada in the year 1977 and promoted to the rank of a Naik on November 30, 1989. After he was fired, he approached the lower courts, and a single judge of the Andhra High court reduced his termination of service to cancellation of 4 increments.

The Union government, appealed this decision of National Importance, at the Supreme Court. And fought it bravely for 21 years. The Court has now ruled that the firing was perfectly fine.

In the meanwhile, the various judges across the land are now being asked to get ophthalmic checkups, naturally at very fancy hospitals. Rumor has it that these were ordered after it was pointed out by the opposition that various ministers have been not only hearing commentary , but playing cricket , in office hours, sometimes even with judges. And as far as the CBI knows, ministers do not have a ZZ+++ security, that allows them to turn invisible.

An ex-railway minister, even changed some Cricket rules regarding lbw, after the top edge of the kneepad was mutilated as he bent to sweep a ball from an opposition member, off the ground. He is reported to have said "Yeh communal forces, desh hi nahi, balki cricket pads bhi tod dete hai !"

In the meanwhile, a new birdlike minister, supposedly appointed in external affairs, to stop him from meddling in internal ones, has been practicing playing cricket on official tours, dressed in his native best. Our sources reveal that the real reason behind playing wearing a lungi, (and not pants), is that the ball cannot trickle to the stumps easily as it is thwarted in its attempt by the pleats of the lungi . He also is trying to introduce an India-specifc method of getting out: lbw.....lungi-before wicket.

However, subsequent to the hue and cry about the policeman being fired, for enjoying what is every Indian's birthright, the PM has appointed a Parliamentary committee to study multitasking at work. This was a direct result of various stalwarts pointing out that if a single minister could head cricket, IPL and Agriculture at the same time, and create a mess in at least one, what was so shocking about a policeman listening to commentary while directing traffic?

Reliable sources indicate that thanks to Sachin hitting century after century, the policeman kept indicating that, and traffic kept moving without stopping for a long time, till Ashish Nehra came to bat, at which point the policeman's hands came down.

When last checked, Rahul Gandhi was said to have asked for the policeman's file, from one of the anti Telangana MP's.

Stay tuned for further news.