Monday, February 22, 2010

Anatomy of a Scarf

The Pune blasts and the Maoist massacre of the Eastern Frontier Rifles (EFR) Police in Silda, West Bengal, has brought the scarf into sudden prominence.

The IGP of the EFR , that bore the brunt of the Maoist attack and lost 24 members, appeared on National television hiding himself with a scarf, and blamed the State government. Earlier, a month ago, without a scarf, he had complained to the district police chief, who it seems didnt hear.

While finger pointing has begun, reliable sources indicate that investigations may be handed over to the Black Cats, and this was an effort to show solidarity with them, now that the state government was angry with him for exposing the problems.

Turns out that if you have no answer or something to hide, you wear a scarf.

Our political correspondent in New Delhi, reports that the Agriculture minister was seen trying on a scarf before the PM's meeting. Post the Pune blasts, the Home Minister was disuaded from wearing white masks matching his lungi. He finally agreed on a colored mask. To be on the safe side, the Railway Minister, also got herself a mask, after someone said she was not doing enough to catch the Maoists blowing up railway tracks in the north east..

This whole concept of wearing masks to hide responsibility was simply turned on its head by the Pune authorities, who immediately banned the women two wheeler drivers from wrapping their faces in masks, something they have been doing for the last 30-40 years. The women wear these in Pune to get protection from the pollution and sun, and are planning to protest the ban.

They feel, that wearing scarves to keep something inside from getting out is one thing. Like your mistake, or blame for underperformance. The women in Pune wear scarves to keep the outside dirt from entering in, and as such cannot be classified as a terrorist threat.

Smt Shantabai Joshi, a senior citizen two wheeler driver for the last 25 years, has filed an PIL in court, asking for a CBI investigation into, just what constitutes pollution in the air, and does lying, corruption, and cheating from those having lots to hide have something to do with it.

The UPA spokesman, when asked about the new scarves, said that there's was a democratic party, and as per tradition, the decision on whether to allow ministers to wear scarves had been left to the High Command.

In the meanwhile, its been a week since the Pune blasts, and there are no clues or arrests yet.

A lone sweeper, clearing the garbage outside the site, early morning, stopped, rested for a while, after he was racked with a cough.

"The authorities have no money to provide us with protective masks", he said. ......

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Mumbai Manthan

Unhappy about the Commonwealth Games being held in new Delhi, the Government of Maharashtra has sent a delegation to the High Command in Delhi, requesting the introduction of tug-of-war as a sport from 2010.

Not to be left behind, the Sena systems (Shiv and MN), of Mumbai, have cited scriptures , and quoted passages about gods churning the oceans and pulling from both sides to grab the goodies.

While the Union sports minister has appointed a committee to look into this, back in Maharashtra the ruling party and the Sena Systems were at great pains to demonstrate that tugging, and churning of the populace, is a way of life, particularly at high levels .

"We tug for power, we tug for money, we tug for position, and we even tug for money", said a senior minister. "In fact, any party that has been in power, ever, has learnt to tug, vigorously".

The ruling party then invited the most popular actor from Bollywood to help, and the Sena systems, incensed with the British English usage "tug-of-war", immediately went on a protest and changed the name to Mumbai Manthan.

Violent protests were the order of the day, with lots of running around, threatening, shutting of shops, and opening of threats, and 48,000 police had their leaves cancelled all over the state, so they could stand like an audience and applaud, as the ruling party and the Sena Systems, churned away, displaying a great sense of tug-of-war alias manthan, tightening the noose across the populace, already weakened from rising prices, crowded public transport, pollution and water shortages.

Observing the floods of tears falling from the twisted churning population, Mr Amar Singh , lately of the Switchwadi Party, who was on a secret visit to Mumbai, recommended that the state introduce tear-water harvesting, to take advantage of an unhappy populace.

According to reliable reports, Mr Amar Singh abruptly left, after the populace decided to make him the centre of the tugging game, and the Sena systems, and the ruling party agreed to implement it instantly.

It is not known what the Sports Minister has decided about including Manthan/Tug-of-War as a Commonwealth Games sport.

Strangely, a villager , resident of Raigad Fort, where Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj had his coronation, has reported that the Chhatrapati appeared in his dream, and requested, that the so called several crores memorial to him, off Mumbai, in the sea, be scrapped, since he feared that the next Manthan in the Sea, again, between the Sena Systems and Ruling Party, would adversely affect him there.

The villager has been sent for lie-detector testing.

Meanwhile, the tugging continues.

Monday, February 8, 2010


Monsanto has declared India to be a most favoured destination. Ever since one of its big shots became Bush's appointee in the Food and Drug administration, The US decided to change its emphasis from CTBT to just BT.

Reports indicate that the company has contracted some folks in Delhi to write an alternative to the Bhagwad Gita. Particularly the chapter on "Fruits of your labour. "

The original urged the populace to work without any thought of the fruit of that work, and called that the best worship.

While the citizens remained loyal to that, the situation was intolerable to the Monsantos. They decided that the fruits needed to be made more attractive , so everyone would hanker after them, and to hell with labor. Certain members of the ruling combine were reported to be greatly impressed by the symmetry in the tomatoes, and shine in the corn, not to mention the new shape of the brinjal , which resembled an actress. They voted for a BT banana in the shape of a $ sign, but were ruled out by the communists.

Our sources indicate that efforts are on to produce a BT-Gita, authored by Mr G. Bush. Performances are on in various parts of India complete with a chariot, horses, peaccock feather in the hair and so on. Certain ministers are playing the role of Arjun on shift basis. Sometimes they forget they are acting , and suddenly come out with the truth, like "Milk price will rise", "Sugar price will dip for some time", and " Now that I have hoarded some much milk and sugar for the IPL cricketers, what will I do if Australians are banned ?"....... whereupon they rush to meet problem solvers and creators in Mumbai.

The Environment Minister was seen holding his head listening to the new BT -Gita which Mr Bush read from a lectern teleprompter. Looking at Mr Bush as Krishna gave him migraines. In the meanwhile the PM requested that mustard be left out of the "reserved list" for BT-fication.

Our bureau reports indicate that no one likes the taste of these BT fruits and vegetables, and it is suspected that certain politicians earlier hit by rotten tomatoes are now supporting BT as those tomatoes don't rot, and taste nicer when they splash on the face.

Rumor has it that BT-shoes will be next on the list. When someone throws a BT shoe at you, the shoe gets hurt.

While BT-Bush is reported to be pleased, various agitated active sporty legislators, participating in the Legislative furniture throwing BT- Games are protesting.

Say no to BT-fication. No BT. No Ceetee. Just Preity. Zinta ?