Never has the phrase "India's got talent" been truer.
SEEDYTV, and HMM-ICU , the two leading media folks on television, run by folks who have graduated from the same school of TV-thought, are on the verge of signing a deal with someone , for a program titled as above. This was what has emerged after a emergency midnight meeting after several reporters took pains to describe the after-hours activities in our capital.
We never knew we had so much talent.
I mean just think. The mind boggles, wiggles, an then just takes a deep breath...
Leaping babas. : when was the last time you were able to leap with alacrity from a height of 3 metres, into a sea of women ? And the women actually welcomed you ?
Quick change artist : Leap as a Swami, emerge as a woman . That too amidst lakhs of folks mingling around, dodging the Delhi Police. How did the swami find the clothes in his size after a random jump ? Should we reconsider the idea of introducing Yoga in Tihar Jail, with so many recent entrants ?
Senior Footwear Rap : Unknown talents of senior Parliamentarians. I mean, everyone can run and shout in the House. How many can do the BJP-KICK-STEP, on a real human target ? Watch King Diggy do his stuff amidst uncontrollable crowds and his own controlling security chaps, as they cleared the way for him to Stamp-kick-stamp, on someone on the floor, whose face was not seen , but whose color was suspected ? This is supposed to be the new Kinesiology Rap; an analysis of your top body movement, facial expressions, and support team, defines your steps. Ministry of HRD will fine anyone who tries to do a movement analysis of this in any institute of higher learning, which must be meant for low folks.
Midnight Opposition Moves : This isn't any Constitutional trick; its a dance move. First you appoint a lady as the Opposition leader . Then you do something to anger the Opposition . That's the easy part. The Police oblige. So they all run to the Father of the Nation, who must be simply shutting his eyes out of despair ,disgust, and sadness. Then they decide to hold a mass fast to protest the ruling party's actions. Most folks start nodding off, when the Opposition Leader Sahiba "gets an idea". She doesn't get a new service provider, but decides to wake up her somnolent party men by doing a dance. Maybe it was a childhood dream of hers. Maybe the TV folks are lurking. Maybe she wants to challenge the Ruling chairperson to a dance. Who knows. ?
The Conference Fling : These folks are really a threat to shot putters and javelin throwers, but perform only in press conferences, by suddenly getting up, and aiming a shoe (not their own) at the lectern. Although folks think this is a foreign sport, it is not. George Bush thought it was a freebie and he even announced the shoe size when he dodged such a throw in Egypt. We do things differently. We then practice wrestling on the ground.
This throwing art has been practiced for several years in smaller towns, by simple folks who feel the law cheats them and is deaf to them. A bit of the same feeling here. We have champion performers who do not fear the glare of the TV lights. Word is out that this a new way for some shoe companies who fund the ruling party to send free products to some folks there. They sponsor throws, encouraging people to "Just do it" . That's why you don't see any chappal throws . Its all about the aerodynamics of the shoe shape. Some shoes fit, others don't.
The Dance challenge : the old guard used to call it Jugalbandi. Now they only concentrate on the "bandi" of the opposition. Note how once the opposition leader had danced at midnight, someone sympathetic to the Ruling party simply entered his father's name in challenge, saying, that he danced much better. Of course , with a longish medical studies background (a decade ?), followed by a sojourn in the Queen's country, followed by a powerful life in the Switzerland of India as well as Lutyens Delhi, it would be truly interesting to see what kind of dance this candidate puts up. We suggest a duet with the opposition leader in the interests of peace.
Garble Garble, talk and Warble : Remember the time the teacher rapped you on the knuckles in school because you spoke out of turn ? Well, we have practitioners of this sport in reverse, and their numbers are growing daily. The whole idea is to get invited on TV channels for your valued comments. And then you continue to talk loudly while someone else is giving their terribly different point of view. Pitch, Amplitude, Vocabulary excess and ability to Fib and look disdainful is a required qualification, and this is one of the growing talents in the country. The fun part is the Teacher here doesn't hit you on the knuckles for talking like this. You just have a frustrated anchor switching your visual off.
Sphinx & Sphinx : This is a new age talent. It doesn't require you to do anything anywhere. I mean you can eat, drink, greet people. Maybe smile sometimes. But regardless of what is happening, regardless of how badly everyone else is behaving, you keep your cool. What you don't say doesn't hurt you, keeps you exclusive , and people say you are excellent at keeping "distance", from all the rowdy games described above.
And finally , in these e-days, the latest talent !
Actually, the KGB, CIA,FBI, etc, everyone is after this talent. The ability to look at a person, and gauge his political leanings. Most of the time, folks can tell this, in a normal world, when the leaning has gone too far. Sometimes, people simply fall over the railing and defect elsewhere to another party , where they again start the leaning.
But we now have a secret wild card entry in the talent contest. This guy belonging to the ruling party, who can tell by simply looking at a person's arm, and the object in his hand, what political party he belongs to. Amazing ! Needs to be checked out !
Now that the organizers of the CWG games are in Jail, sorry , at the Tihar Residences, enjoying a well deserved rest, it isn't surprising to see the hectic preparations going on in the nation, for "India's got Talent"....!
Stay tuned for the greatest show this side of the Earth. "India's got talent ".