Sab Kuch Maya !

The nation has been in an uproar ever since a certain CM of a certain northern state, stood at the centre of a garland made out of thousands of 1000 Re notes.


While the rank and file of her party, overcome with love and affection, rushed to offer these very minor denomination currency notes, folks garlanding her on stage were warned to be careful of the CM's cervical vertebrae. Known to be a person with a tough backbone, there are, however , issues today with the neck, as a result of constant neck alignments in the process of offering political support to the left and right.

Our sources indicate that representatives of the Nike company were in raptures after noticing that her currency garland photos displayed, although inadvertently, their logo. A couple of Nike big shots fainted in surprise, after they offered free shoes to primary school children, and the CM, promptly agreed, saying Lets Do It. (Unfortunately, they didn't hear the latter part of the sentence, urging them to create currency notes studded footwear, for special use )

Unconfirmed reports indicate that some well known ghost writers have been contacted by a certain CM to write a semi official autobiography called "Meri Maya, Sab Maya Hai".

While garland makers are now being subsidized for setting up garland making Institutes, we understand that a special licence will be needed for making currency garlands, which will be 10% of the currency value of the garland. The state has appointed a committee to investigate the possibility of making garlands from , footwear, BT cotton, and BT brinjal, which might be exported to someone called Monsanto.

In the meanwhile, designers , particularly from Delhi, at the Fashion Week currently being held, are now showing high fashion currency garments. Celebrity people , particularly from Parliament were contacted for walking the ramp, but they refused because none of the outfits had any deep pockets.

Mamata Banerjee, was reported to have agreed to model a saree, provided there was not even a speck of Red in it, but the deal fell through after rumors indicated the possibility of elections in West Bengal. Designers studying her gait actually breathed in relief after realizing that some of the currency would have fallen off , in the hustle and bustle of Mamata-style agitational politics.

A Certain Minister with 7 daughters, in an inspired patriotic move , offered all of them for modeling the outfits, gratis. Unfortunately, the designers had to decline the offer after they insisted on changing at home.

Our sources indicate that the Centre has appointed a high power committee to investigate the correlation between love-and-affection, and currency, and its application to electoral alliances and politics.

Finally, seizing the moment, the respected Elder no 1 of Bollywood, announced a new film starring a new entrant, Amar Singh. The film, titled, "Kabhi Haar, Kabhi Paise" is expected to begin shooting in 2011. In a move, reminiscent of "detente" , efforts are on to convince Ms Mayawati to play the female lead.

Details awaited.

E-potholes for your car ?

A company called MapmyIndia is has announced its entry into the GPS Navigation Industry with their latest : Roadpilot, designed to help you move around various towns and cities in India. You dont need cell phone connectivity for it, and they say that it contains an extensive database pre-loaded with maps of 620 Indian cities; 576,000 towns and villages; 30,000 tourist locations; and 2 million unique destinations, like ATMs, Petrol Pumps, Restaurants and everything that you need to know in a city. The navigator is priced at Rs 7,990.

In the meanwhile, it is reported that trials are on by a sister company called MapmyPothole , to have a ready installable Navigator, priced at Rs 8000/-, that will warn you about potholes on roads, their frequency per kilometre, and percentage of them that are filled with water of unknown depths. The company has announced memorandums of understanding (MoU's) with the Municipal Contractors Union, MTNL,BSNL and Reliance Energy as well as Reliance Telecom.

Our sources indicate that a tie up with the Mumbai Police was cancelled at the last minute, after the Director of Mapmypothole was found related to some suspicious types in Dubai.

Speaking to the press, the company's technical director, Delco Me Pani, stressed the need for mapping potholes and supplying real time depth info as opposed to what he called elitist Page 3 data like ATM's , Banks, Petrol Pumps, Hotels and so on.

The entire exercise involves fitting Mumbai's roads with detectors every 500 metres, which would emit signals and map themselves on a screen for the driver. There would also be an audio feature which would warn the driver in 26 languages about an impending pothole at least 2 minutes in advance. The MNS and Shivsena have protested and insisted that there should be 5 announcements in Marathi in these 26 announcements.

These requirements are a challenge as there are often 3 potholes in 15 seconds in Mumbai.

Notwithstanding the Dubious Dubai connections, a grand demonstration of the contraption was held two days ago, in view of the fact that the Mumbai Police would order them to be fixed on their jeeps, and the ministerial red-beacon cars.

Unfortunately, several potholes earlier so classified got filled along with the detectors, in view of the impending visit of the PM, there was no pothole warning, and a speeding car ended up banging into a Caterpillar excavator which was excavating for a new road.

Efforts are on to dig up the filled potholes again in order to retrieve and reinstall the detectors, some of which have been completely destroyed by road rollers crushing them to pieces.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that those involved in sudden surreptious movement of manhole covers for their commercial metal value, have asked for a feasibility study regarding the movement of the aforementioned metal detectors.

Further news is awaited.

Learning from "elders" ?

The passage of the 33% Womens Reservation Bill in Parliament was frought with hooligansim of the worst kind, by our legislators.


March 8, was International Women's Day. Our worthy representatives in the Parliament, tried their level best to pass the Women's Reservation Bill on that day, but their levels were found so wanting that the best didn't happen.

Instead, a bunch of kids from National High School, paid minute attention to the indisciplined going ons in Parliament, and accused their Civics teacher of misleading them about Netas .

Instead of quietly sitting and ruminating about all the year round homework bunking that made them fail, the kids rushed to the teachers desk, to protest. Several kids threw balls of paper torn from their textbooks at the teacher, some threw paper airplanes made out of the result sheets, and one kid even opened his lunch box and threw rice at the teacher. An effort was made to grab the teacher's books kept on the desk, and some fell to the floor.

All because she announced that only those declared as Pass, would get promoted to the higher class.

Reports indicate that the main instigators of the revolt are a few students whose ambitions to be head-boy were thwarted in the democratic procedure followed by the School Council, despite their efforts to woo the teachers by bringing them huge bouquets on their birthdays, and Teachers days, not to mention crying false tears during farewells and stuff.

The school has security, but fears confrontation if the students are touched. So the Principal has declared a holiday, till the violence subsides. Parents who are at their wits end , what with increase in fees, difficulties in admission, delays in results and cheating in exams, have threatened to complain to the minister for education.

"No class management at the most basic level", said an irate parent, "this has happened so many times, the principal should have been alert about such things. "

The Minister for education, currently busy with BT-brinjal discussions , is reported to have given an appointment in 2011.

Judiciary Landmarks

The Supreme Court Of India has upheld the 1989 sacking of a railway constable found glued to his radio during duty hours.

Babu was appointed as a constable in the RPF at Vijaywada in the year 1977 and promoted to the rank of a Naik on November 30, 1989. After he was fired, he approached the lower courts, and a single judge of the Andhra High court reduced his termination of service to cancellation of 4 increments.

The Union government, appealed this decision of National Importance, at the Supreme Court. And fought it bravely for 21 years. The Court has now ruled that the firing was perfectly fine.

In the meanwhile, the various judges across the land are now being asked to get ophthalmic checkups, naturally at very fancy hospitals. Rumor has it that these were ordered after it was pointed out by the opposition that various ministers have been not only hearing commentary , but playing cricket , in office hours, sometimes even with judges. And as far as the CBI knows, ministers do not have a ZZ+++ security, that allows them to turn invisible.

An ex-railway minister, even changed some Cricket rules regarding lbw, after the top edge of the kneepad was mutilated as he bent to sweep a ball from an opposition member, off the ground. He is reported to have said "Yeh communal forces, desh hi nahi, balki cricket pads bhi tod dete hai !"

In the meanwhile, a new birdlike minister, supposedly appointed in external affairs, to stop him from meddling in internal ones, has been practicing playing cricket on official tours, dressed in his native best. Our sources reveal that the real reason behind playing wearing a lungi, (and not pants), is that the ball cannot trickle to the stumps easily as it is thwarted in its attempt by the pleats of the lungi . He also is trying to introduce an India-specifc method of getting out: lbw.....lungi-before wicket.

However, subsequent to the hue and cry about the policeman being fired, for enjoying what is every Indian's birthright, the PM has appointed a Parliamentary committee to study multitasking at work. This was a direct result of various stalwarts pointing out that if a single minister could head cricket, IPL and Agriculture at the same time, and create a mess in at least one, what was so shocking about a policeman listening to commentary while directing traffic?

Reliable sources indicate that thanks to Sachin hitting century after century, the policeman kept indicating that, and traffic kept moving without stopping for a long time, till Ashish Nehra came to bat, at which point the policeman's hands came down.

When last checked, Rahul Gandhi was said to have asked for the policeman's file, from one of the anti Telangana MP's.

Stay tuned for further news.

Anatomy of a Scarf

The Pune blasts and the Maoist massacre of the Eastern Frontier Rifles (EFR) Police in Silda, West Bengal, has brought the scarf into sudden prominence.

The IGP of the EFR , that bore the brunt of the Maoist attack and lost 24 members, appeared on National television hiding himself with a scarf, and blamed the State government. Earlier, a month ago, without a scarf, he had complained to the district police chief, who it seems didnt hear.

While finger pointing has begun, reliable sources indicate that investigations may be handed over to the Black Cats, and this was an effort to show solidarity with them, now that the state government was angry with him for exposing the problems.

Turns out that if you have no answer or something to hide, you wear a scarf.

Our political correspondent in New Delhi, reports that the Agriculture minister was seen trying on a scarf before the PM's meeting. Post the Pune blasts, the Home Minister was disuaded from wearing white masks matching his lungi. He finally agreed on a colored mask. To be on the safe side, the Railway Minister, also got herself a mask, after someone said she was not doing enough to catch the Maoists blowing up railway tracks in the north east..

This whole concept of wearing masks to hide responsibility was simply turned on its head by the Pune authorities, who immediately banned the women two wheeler drivers from wrapping their faces in masks, something they have been doing for the last 30-40 years. The women wear these in Pune to get protection from the pollution and sun, and are planning to protest the ban.

They feel, that wearing scarves to keep something inside from getting out is one thing. Like your mistake, or blame for underperformance. The women in Pune wear scarves to keep the outside dirt from entering in, and as such cannot be classified as a terrorist threat.

Smt Shantabai Joshi, a senior citizen two wheeler driver for the last 25 years, has filed an PIL in court, asking for a CBI investigation into, just what constitutes pollution in the air, and does lying, corruption, and cheating from those having lots to hide have something to do with it.

The UPA spokesman, when asked about the new scarves, said that there's was a democratic party, and as per tradition, the decision on whether to allow ministers to wear scarves had been left to the High Command.

In the meanwhile, its been a week since the Pune blasts, and there are no clues or arrests yet.

A lone sweeper, clearing the garbage outside the site, early morning, stopped, rested for a while, after he was racked with a cough.

"The authorities have no money to provide us with protective masks", he said. ......

Mumbai Manthan

Unhappy about the Commonwealth Games being held in new Delhi, the Government of Maharashtra has sent a delegation to the High Command in Delhi, requesting the introduction of tug-of-war as a sport from 2010.

Not to be left behind, the Sena systems (Shiv and MN), of Mumbai, have cited scriptures , and quoted passages about gods churning the oceans and pulling from both sides to grab the goodies.

While the Union sports minister has appointed a committee to look into this, back in Maharashtra the ruling party and the Sena Systems were at great pains to demonstrate that tugging, and churning of the populace, is a way of life, particularly at high levels .

"We tug for power, we tug for money, we tug for position, and we even tug for money", said a senior minister. "In fact, any party that has been in power, ever, has learnt to tug, vigorously".

The ruling party then invited the most popular actor from Bollywood to help, and the Sena systems, incensed with the British English usage "tug-of-war", immediately went on a protest and changed the name to Mumbai Manthan.

Violent protests were the order of the day, with lots of running around, threatening, shutting of shops, and opening of threats, and 48,000 police had their leaves cancelled all over the state, so they could stand like an audience and applaud, as the ruling party and the Sena Systems, churned away, displaying a great sense of tug-of-war alias manthan, tightening the noose across the populace, already weakened from rising prices, crowded public transport, pollution and water shortages.

Observing the floods of tears falling from the twisted churning population, Mr Amar Singh , lately of the Switchwadi Party, who was on a secret visit to Mumbai, recommended that the state introduce tear-water harvesting, to take advantage of an unhappy populace.


According to reliable reports, Mr Amar Singh abruptly left, after the populace decided to make him the centre of the tugging game, and the Sena systems, and the ruling party agreed to implement it instantly.

It is not known what the Sports Minister has decided about including Manthan/Tug-of-War as a Commonwealth Games sport.

Strangely, a villager , resident of Raigad Fort, where Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj had his coronation, has reported that the Chhatrapati appeared in his dream, and requested, that the so called several crores memorial to him, off Mumbai, in the sea, be scrapped, since he feared that the next Manthan in the Sea, again, between the Sena Systems and Ruling Party, would adversely affect him there.

The villager has been sent for lie-detector testing.

Meanwhile, the tugging continues.

BT-Karma

Monsanto has declared India to be a most favoured destination. Ever since one of its big shots became Bush's appointee in the Food and Drug administration, The US decided to change its emphasis from CTBT to just BT.

Reports indicate that the company has contracted some folks in Delhi to write an alternative to the Bhagwad Gita. Particularly the chapter on "Fruits of your labour. "

The original urged the populace to work without any thought of the fruit of that work, and called that the best worship.

While the citizens remained loyal to that, the situation was intolerable to the Monsantos. They decided that the fruits needed to be made more attractive , so everyone would hanker after them, and to hell with labor. Certain members of the ruling combine were reported to be greatly impressed by the symmetry in the tomatoes, and shine in the corn, not to mention the new shape of the brinjal , which resembled an actress. They voted for a BT banana in the shape of a $ sign, but were ruled out by the communists.

Our sources indicate that efforts are on to produce a BT-Gita, authored by Mr G. Bush. Performances are on in various parts of India complete with a chariot, horses, peaccock feather in the hair and so on. Certain ministers are playing the role of Arjun on shift basis. Sometimes they forget they are acting , and suddenly come out with the truth, like "Milk price will rise", "Sugar price will dip for some time", and " Now that I have hoarded some much milk and sugar for the IPL cricketers, what will I do if Australians are banned ?"....... whereupon they rush to meet problem solvers and creators in Mumbai.

The Environment Minister was seen holding his head listening to the new BT -Gita which Mr Bush read from a lectern teleprompter. Looking at Mr Bush as Krishna gave him migraines. In the meanwhile the PM requested that mustard be left out of the "reserved list" for BT-fication.

Our bureau reports indicate that no one likes the taste of these BT fruits and vegetables, and it is suspected that certain politicians earlier hit by rotten tomatoes are now supporting BT as those tomatoes don't rot, and taste nicer when they splash on the face.

Rumor has it that BT-shoes will be next on the list. When someone throws a BT shoe at you, the shoe gets hurt.

While BT-Bush is reported to be pleased, various agitated active sporty legislators, participating in the Legislative furniture throwing BT- Games are protesting.

Say no to BT-fication. No BT. No Ceetee. Just Preity. Zinta ?